Can people in severely damaged relationships reconcile?
by Clive Jackson on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 6:50pm.
If an enemy were insulting me.
I could endure it;
If a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
But it is you, a [person] like myself,
My companion, my close friend,
With whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
As we walked with the throng at the house of God. (Psalm 55 vv. 12-14)
When your relationship is fractured, you may fear that it is beyond repair. Whether that relationship is with a long-time friend, business colleague or other family member, you may wonder about the feasibility of reconciliation.
What picture comes to your mind when you think about reconciliation? You may consider the wonder of your own reconciliation with God through the cross of Jesus Christ.
Sometimes reconciliation is like a cease-fire in which warring parties stop their barrage of negative exchanges. Did your parents ever tell you to tell someone you were sorry? In this case a more powerful external authority imposes reconciliation on the contentious relationship. Or did a serious ideological argument threaten a friendship? To preserve your connection without abandoning your ideals, you may have decided to settle your differences by agreeing to disagree. In these examples, the external fighting ends but the internal tension remains. These unresolved issues may smoulder for years under an apparently banked fire, ready to ignite when the conditions are right.
At other times reconciliation implies that you have achieved some degree of friendliness with the person from whom you are estranged. Here we add a positive element to reconciliation. We not only call a cease-fire (end negative exchanges) but also create a treaty (begin positive exchanges).
A definition of reconciliation: Reconciliation is the active commitment to the restoration of love and trustworthiness by both injured party and transgressor so that their relationship may be transformed.
Why should we resolve differences between our brethren?
1) To maintain peace in the body of Christ (Eph. 4:1-3). Whenever there is friction and turmoil in the body it hinders people from entering into worship and receiving from God's Word. It hinders people from coming to Christ, creates an uninviting atmosphere for visitors, and can even grieve the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30-32).
2) So Satan cannot gain advantage over us (2 Cor. 2:10-11). For our own spiritual well-being, we must be quick to resolve our differences with brethren and forgive. Satan can hinder our spiritual life, and even deceive us into apostasy, through harboured bitterness or unforgiveness (Matt. 18:35).
3) To restore a Fallen Brother (Gal. 6:1). Christians must make every attempt to restore brethren who fall into sin. Especially when the transgression has been committed against you personally, your love for your brother's spiritual well-being demands that you confront the brother so that he might be reconciled to God.
Many people foolishly allow themselves to become offended by misinterpreting other's intentions, or listening to rumours and second-hand information which always contain distortions or exaggerations. Many offenses could be immediately resolved by confronting the offending party and hearing their explanation. You'd be surprised how many people are so immature that they don't even bother to investigate the facts or hear the other side of the story.
There would be far fewer misunderstandings in the body of Christ if people would be firmly devoted to love for their brethren. Love for the brethren gives us a desire to believe the best in our brother. Love gives them the "benefit of the doubt," instead of jumping to conclusions and always expecting the worst. The Bible says "If you love someone... you will always believe in him, always expect the best of him" (1 Cor. 13:7 -- The Living Bible).
A church is very much like a hospital. It is for sick people - people sick with sin and hurt. Jesus is the Great Physician and He uses the church to show us the way to get healed of our spiritual ailments. Wouldn't it be ridiculous for a doctor to be frustrated because sick people kept coming to the surgery, for him to expect only the well to come and visit? Yet, many Christians want only the "righteous" to come to church. The Pharisees of Jesus' day had the same wrong thinking (see Luke 7:37-50). That is why Jesus told them, I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance
In Luke 5:32. The church is filled with sinners, including you!
Wouldn't it be just as ridiculous for one of us to go to the hospital with a broken leg and spend all of our time and energy focusing on the ailments of others? Why did we go to the hospital? We went to get help for our hurt. Jesus warned us about the tendency to look at the sins of others in many passages, but especially look at Matthew 7:1-5. When we attend the house of God, we should be seeking God's help with "our" ailments (sins, trials, frustrations, wrong thinking and wrong behaviour), not looking at the ailments of "others". Until we are 100% right with God ourselves, living for Him and serving Him with all of our heart, we have no place to be concerned with whether or not "others" are as right with Him as we are. That is between them and God! They measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise, II Corinthians 10:12. Everyone grows at different rates, and we cannot see the hearts of others. We must be careful about making character judgments based upon the externals. The LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart, I Samuel 16:7.
My friend, even Jesus' disciples let Him down. One of them betrayed him. They argued about who should be the greatest. They wanted to kill those that were not with them. They wanted to chase away the children that desired some time with the Saviour. They did not understand the spiritual lessons Jesus tried to teach them along the way. They even forsook Him during His darkest hour! There is no perfect church and there won't be until heaven! How can an organisation filled with sinners ever be perfect?
If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
Oh, may we all go to church with the attitude of David in Psalms 122:1, I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the LORD. May we go with the intent of helping someone rather than hurting someone, Galatians 6:2, Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. May we look forward to the opportunity to serve the LORD with gladness, Psalms 100:2
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